He is here...

So you are walking around , really distraught because
your beloved has died and then suddenly you look up and you see him.

Radiant , almost glowing with beautiful light
white as lambs wool and stunning to gaze upon

you look down and you see where the nails pierced his hands
and feet and you fall down before him...

you cling to his feet like you did at the cross but
he is not broken he is healed, renewed and revealed to us!

He has come to bring us new life... he is here.

The Real Self

Why focus your life on the curtain when the real stuff is what is behind it? The real self.

I will be continuing that thought in another post so I will not go on a tangent about this...

That is this post ! :)

So I recently had my graduate school interview ...

and because I was so nervous/ apprehensive of going back to school

I knew that once I was at the interview I would just "know" if it was the right choice.

Well , I did get some affirmation that this possibly could be the right direction which is awesome

but before I had interview I really tried to reflect on why I would like to pursue a future in Counseling.

I came up with pretty much one big reason... I love "the real self"

By this I do not mean, I love hearing the gossip worthy stuff about people's lives

but I mean I love seeing and getting to know the depths of a person.
Coming from Franciscan, I found there -an interesting dilemma...
People who went there either tried there best to reveal their true hearts and personas

or tried there best to hide their insecurties and failures...

But why try so hard, I know I try and have tried hard to come off a way that
may not ring true to really what is going on underneath... but coming back to my question...

does hiding the things you failed at and the things you are not proud of truly let others
understand where you are coming from or the things you have endured...

I know I would stand back in admiration listening to a story of a man who is 3 years sober

but I wouldn't even KNOW to admire someone who has triumphed over this addiction yet remains silent. 

I understand that each of us may need more time than others but I'm speaking to those of you

who hold in this "inner self" that truly do not let others in...
you hold in your true feelings about an issue for fear of being judged, you hold back your insight into a situation for fear of being exposed, you stand to the side silent when someone speak out about a similar struggle you went through because you are afraid your image will be damaged...

But let's look to the other side... take Abby Johnson for example...

She changed her position on abortion from a planned parenthood director to a pro-life leader...

she openly admits to having two abortions and aiding the abortion industry. She bares her wounds
out in the open for all the see and I believe she does this to inspire others... to inspire others to 

not be ashamed of past scars but reveal why they are there and how they hurt so as to STOP more pain from happening...

Personally, I have a lot of baggage that I know is not out in the open with only a few knowing of most of them, but at the same time I let those people in. I let them share in my pain and weakness and because of that I know they respect me for letting them in and revealing where I come from and how I got where I am today. 

I think of a scar, an actual physical scar I have on my body and it represents so much anger and pain, you see, I struggled with cutting. So , I actually have many scars that represent pain... some on my wrists some on my ankles... some on my hands... is telling the blogosphere this scary??... yes... 

but I believe that it lets you know that I have come a long long way... cutting is not my release anymore I have some hope to turn to and hope can change a lot of destructive behaviors...

Sometimes when I'm in the car listening to praise I just feel -pure Love-

it fills me and overflows me with ...Joy.
I am released of my pain because
I know I have hope.
My hope is in the Lord.

Does Christ truly know your real self? Have you let him into that part of your life?

Have you approached his throne, broken and stumbling and did you tell him why?

Of course Christ knows our suffering but revealing this isn't for God, it's for you.

Letting God into parts of your life that you have "shut out" never to be seen again 

is like leaving a wound uncared for ...we take care of our physical wounds...why are we ignoring the wounds on our soul?

My Divine Physician, I praise you for your healing Love.

Spiritual Revamp

           

So what's your excuse for not giving more to God...
more of your time, more of your heart, more of your life?

I know I probably could write a book full of excuses and I know God has heard them all
But the question is , What are you going to do about it?


I find the same dilemma when people say the following;
"we need to catch up","we need to hang out more" etc... etc...
(ahem, super guilty of that but onto the post).
Essentially we are saying the same thing to God...

Oh hey God, we need to hang out, talk , catch up, spend some Qtime together (quality)
But in actuality you barely speak to Him, acknowledge Him or make an earnest effort
to spend a significant time developing your relationship with Him.

I realize how much I am in need of a spiritual revamp. So much so that I just want to DO something...
NOW. I want to change something, NOW - not later ...now.

So today as I was gchatting with my best friend about this topic I knew I wanted to do something then and there to change and make a better choice spiritually, to make a change that can kickstart , hopefully a spiritual revamp. So I said something like this to said to CA, I told her we should email/facebook a prayer to each other everyday...

yup, so simple but how great is it to know that everyday I will have someone who cares about me searching for a prayer and/or feeling drawn to a prayer specifically for me and delivering that to me each day! I just love the idea so of course I must share it with all of you...

Go ... Find your daily prayer buddy...ask them to send you a prayer everyday and you will do the same and let's see  how we can grow...Let's start here.

Hope

"In the same way, when God wanted to show the heirs of the promise even more clearly how unalterable his plan was, he conveyed it by an oath

so that through two unalterable factors in which God could not be lying,

we who have fled to him might have a vigorous encouragement

to grasp the hope held out to us.

This is the anchor our souls have,

reaching right through inside the curtain "

Heb 6:17-19



To me the above scripture reads almost like a poem, making a thought so visualized

and concrete that it strikes you through. It's no secret that a lot of my previous posts have a heavy feel

to them, a thought-filled note yet still with a tone that is tangibly saddened.

I guess I will admit I'm not a bundle of happiness all the time but I want whoever is reading this to know I'm okay, I have a lot of joy and blessings in my life. I think I just write more times on my struggles than my accomplishments.

Something that I love about the scripture verse above is it's reference to hope.

Hope is a beautiful yet terrifying thing. If I get my hopes up, I might be crushed.

If I don't hope, I have nothing to hold onto.

 "vigorous encouragement to grasp the hope held out for us"

Whew that sounds intense. Yet, that is the type of hope we are called too!

I'm the first in the line to say I am guilty of the "other" type of hope. The type of hope that is just barely

getting you out of bed each morning and you are making sure that you don't get your hopes too high

cause that's too scary. Well, it sounds to me that we are called to some intense trust in the Lord!

We are called to a hope that is super scary, super intense and ultimately divine.

I put this on my facebook not too long ago  ...(Anne, the lay apostle)... Jesus said to her...

"Believe in your prayers"... that struck me so hard because I realized how much I prayed without

my heart behind it, praying with only the smallest flicker of hope that God is truly trying to  come to my aid. Well, shame on me honestly because my God is so much bigger than that and he deserves

belief and hope in Him.

"This is the anchor our souls have" 

 ... when was the last time I felt ANCHORED.
Sounds nice, so sturdy and constant. I think the reason I feel so unhinged is because

behind my prayers I am silently allowing myself to lose hope...
Not in God but in the things I'm praying for...

But just like my faith, my spiritual life should not be teetering on whether or not I feel like I am being listening to... it should be focusing on my relationship with Christ. I shouldn't be basing my hope on whether or not x,y and z happens because life changes everyday but my God does not. And ultimately, he is in control and is steering the boat. He is my constant- not all the things, situations and people around me. Christ is the one thing that is keeping me from drifting off into the depths of my worries and fear and struggles, it's very easy to forget that the only reason I am where I am is because of Christ, my anchor. He has kept me from drifting away.

"reaching right through inside the curtain"

This is the epitome of what I am feeling right now.

I know we work long and hard to strengthen our curtain, make it look beautiful and strong, vibrant and sturdy, long lasting and resilient  but like the verse says, he reaches right through.

Why focus your life on the curtain when the real stuff is what is behind it? The real self.

I will be continuing that thought in another post so I will not go on a tangent about this...

But all in all, your soul is who you are. Your relationship with Christ is the most telling thing about you.

How is your relationship looking and what has been your focus lately... Have you been treating God like he is a genie? Have you been acting like you don't honestly believe that something remarkable and life changing could happen TO YOU?? Have you been denying God some of His power?  I mean God can do anything , have we forgotten this?! Place your hope in the impossible...

"Nothing will be impossible for God"
-Luke 1:37

Open Wounds

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive..."

The Prayer of St. Francis

You know what I think one of the best feelings we can experience in this world is...

To feel not only loved but actually understood.

To be understood does not mean I know

exactly what you are going through

but to be understood is to see something more than the average person sees.

To go beyond and understand that a friend is truly struggling

or you read through the facade and can tell that something is not right.

Many of you may not think this is a great feeling ,

but just thinking about someone going deeper

and realizing without me having to explain

anything that I need something more...

I need to be nurtured in this way about this problem...

and when someone does that whether it be your

spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, teacher, friend...

when someone meets you at the place you just don't even want to go

but need to feel like someone cares that to me is something extraordinary.

I just had this happen to me hence why I'm blogging about it

but someone reached out to me with compassion, empathy and understanding

and I mean how easy would it have been for that person to just stay silent

even when they knew they really wanted to reach out to me?

The easiest thing to do is to do nothing at all.

But she didn't do nothing , she reached out to me.

Think about how God can be that person for you.

I think we all want an amazing relationship with God

and we want to feel loved and nurtured.

We long for God to just "read our minds" (which he can do)

but what I'm getting at is what good is it for US

to just sit back and let God just "read our minds"

we need to let him know our weaknesses and struggles.

I bet if I wasn't so vulnerable this friend

would not have even known to talk me about her struggles,

she wouldn't have known to be compassionate and reach out to me.

So, be vulnerable to God,  let him know everything that you can't overcome

or you just are holding in.

You may be surprised the way he lets you know that He understands.

Christ knows our crosses but he also want us to grow and learn from them

not just hang out and wallow in fear. Christ took his cross and walked to his

death staring fear dead in the face. We are not called to lay on the ground fallen under our crosses

we are called to walk with Christ, cross in hand calling out to Him for His loving touch.

We are weak, let Christ strengthen you and your relationship with Him

He longs to hear your voice and tend your wounds.

Let Christ know those wounds are there, be open to Him so He can care for you.

We're all the same

"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, we're all ok"

 - Jewel

It's funny how life seems to go so fast , you have an "aha" moment
and you realize just how much life has gotten away from you.
You blink and four months has gone by... or even a year.

You never know what lies before you, but you do know who goes before you...

Be not afraid, I go before you ...always.

This is always comforting for me because I can be so scared about my future

and where I will be a year from now,
but I need that reminder that Christ is already there...

He is forming me to be ready for changes ahead and heartbreak in the future.
He is placing people in my life for a reason, at a certain time for a purpose.
I must trust Him.

In the end reflecting on these past few months I realize...
that I am held in Christ's hands...
and those are the same hands that are guiding me.

"Like a shepherd he feeds his flock;
in his arms he gathers the lambs,
Carrying them in his bosom, and leading the ewes with care." -Isaiah 40:11

I could wallow in despair and ask myself questions,
why me? why not? why why why....

I won't know and I will never know
so why challenge my creator with these questions

that I know aren't for me to know ...at least not now...

"I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear."

For what else do you think of when you think of despair...
darkness, sadness,loneliness?
How can I choose to be in darkness...
I know many people do it all the time,
but I have the opportunity to rise above and force my way into the light...

I won't be made useless...wow. That is such a wake up call.
It forces me to examine, what am I doing that is ...useful?

Is questioning my faith useful ...sometimes...
is becoming bitter useful...never...
Is trusting God helping me to be stronger and less resentful... I think so.

All of us have our struggles, and we ALL need encouragement.
But what are we doing that is actually encouraging us?
Are you dwelling on your successes or your failures?
I think sometimes with all of this media surrounding us
we forget that we are all the same...
Some lives may seem glamorous,
reading other wives blogs or family blogs...
or looking at facebook or other forms of media we may assume
"wow, everything is so put together"...
"she is so lucky",
"she is so put together"
"he has no clue how great he has it"

He, she...better...luckier...more this ...more that...
how is that encouraging your soul?
If you struggle with this, (and believe me I'm guilty of it )
start changing your perspective.
How can I change my perspective of MYSELF.
How can I start embracing the way God is calling me to live?
How can I rid myself of this resentful thinking?

Maybe it's taking a break from reading blogs, facebook,e-mails
maybe it's writing down positive things from the day or experiences
and reading them to yourself. Or possibly creating a "solo blog"
Just for you...writing the journal to you and only you...and fill it with
only positive.

We are all the same, we are all His chosen and we were not made to
be "put" against each other, or to live in darkness.
We are all ok. We are all His.

You Change Me

 We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

It's truly amazing how God places things before you, hard journeys that when you 

start to walk them you think "Wow, this road is the right one!!" You are so

confident that you are on the right road until you hit a rough patch.

You are standing firmly on solid ground then quickly the gravel starts 

shifting below you. You are so unsure of how to remain standing you think you

won't be able to ever find solid ground again...

And you find yourself wondering, is this the right road?

Did I take a wrong turn somewhere or is this truly where God

wanted me to be? He wanted me to lose solid ground? He wanted 

me to be afraid to take one more step in front of me? 

Well, God wants so many things for us... but he does not

want us to fear. He longs for us to "see" things clearly...

To look at your surroundings instead of staring of your feet.

To realize that your journey is part of God's plan, not just the walking part.

He will call us down roads we would NEVER CHOOSE but he asks us to walk them

anyways. He asks us to walk these treacherous, scary roads for a purpose.

Some reasons will never be clear but oftentimes God calls us 

...out of darkness, to His Light.

 Situations arise where we are blinded by darkness, we are blinded 

to see the person we MUST become

...and Jesus is one step ahead shining His Light 

to warm our coldness and complacency. 

He is asking us to walk down dark roads so that

that the only light we can follow is His Light. 

We must walk down weary paths
in order to learn who we are without  our road maps.
Without our plans getting in the way, 

God is open to revealing Himself to us within our paths 

not as a checklist along the way. 

He can become ingrained into our path and truly lead us ... step by step...

It's so funny thinking about my personal "road map" and how truly God has 

lit the match to that plan and struggled so hard to compete with that piece of paper.

But, as dark as this road is I can't help but step into the footprint of Christ and 

close my eyes and just listen. 

Where am I going Lord, if I am not following you??

Whose voice am I hearing if you are not filling my ears? 

Is my path to you Lord an easy one to follow, I can't say that it is...

But what I can proclaim is that this is Your Plan...this is Your way....

and because of that , You Change Me.

Amen.